In the world of real estate, there are three distinct dialects spoken: Realtor, Mortgage Broker, and Client. All three, of course, come with a number of incredibly nuanced words and phrases whose meaning is indecipherable to the average person — kind of like the fine print of a financial affidavit, or the Tinder profile of a single Vancouverite.

So, for all those who have ever wondered what it really means when their realtor says, “It’s a real fixer-upper,” here’s a handy guide you can consult when in doubt.

THE REAL ESTATE AGENT — COMMON PHRASES TRANSLATED

“It’s charming.” — It’s asphyxiating.

“It’s a real fixer-upper.” — This house is beyond hope.

“It has so much character.” — A homicide was committed here last year.

“Quaint.” — Infinitesimal.

“It has partial city views.” — Squint and you might see water.

“It’s a handyman’s dream.” — When you see it, run…

THE MORTGAGE BROKER — COMMON PHRASES TRANSLATED

“You have bruised credit.” — mm What happened here? Seriously, you have to try to get your score this low.

“Are you working with other brokers?” — We already know the answer because it shows up on your credit bureau, but we want to see what you’ll say.

“Tell me a little bit about yourself.” — I want your bio in ten words or less but be as detailed as possible.

“So, you’re a first time homebuyer?” — Great, there goes my morning coffee.

“No, this happens all the time.” — This never happens.

“We don’t have enough data.” — You gave me nothing. Nothing…

THE CLIENT — COMMON PHRASES TRANSLATED

“I may have a late missed payment.” — I’m wanted in another province.

“I don’t like sharing information.” — I don’t have information.

“I’m a day trader.”/ “I invest in bitcoin” — I’m unemployed.

“I was waiting for the right moment to buy.” — I don’t have a down payment.

“Have you done a lot of these?” — All hope is lost.